


One Drink

by kethni



Category: The Bill
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-26
Updated: 2015-01-26
Packaged: 2018-03-09 05:18:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3237728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kethni/pseuds/kethni





	One Drink

 

 

 

Luke gets to the ‘Oscar and Bosey’ at exactly seventeen minutes past seven. He has arranged to meet Craig, for one drink, at eight o’clock.

 

One drink, on the proviso that: if Luke doesn’t measure up to what Craig wants, then Craig will be on his way.

 

Although he only spoke briefly to Craig in the hospital, Luke has formed certain impressions, specifically that:

 

1)       Craig genuinely has no memory of him;

2)        _this_  Craig is a good deal more self-assured and confident than the other one;

3)       he will not tolerate the kind of behaviour that Luke is so ashamed to remember;                        

4)       rather embarrassingly, Luke finds this confidence and self-respect even more appealing;

5)       despite the above, Craig is a gentle and kind man inside;

6)       he, Luke, doesn’t have a hope in hell of getting anywhere with the new and improved Craig.

 

_At least I’m trying,_  Luke thinks,  _that’s all I can do._

 

Luke waits at the bar until a handsome young man with shoulder-length, curly, fair hair comes over to serve him.

 

“Yes, mate?”

 

“Orange juice, please,” Luke asks politely.

 

“Sure thing. Ice?”

 

“Yes, please.”

 

“One pound seventy-five please. Are you here for the party?”

 

“Oh, no,” Luke says anxiously. “This isn’t privately hired, is it?”

 

“No mate, there’s a stag party here tonight. The owners Mack and Jim are getting wed next week. They’re kind of having an open party.”

 

“Oh that’s nice,” Luke says with a smile.

 

“You know this is a queer pub right?”

 

“Yeah, the name was a bit of a give away,” Luke says with a grin.

 

“I’m Matt, I get off at nine,” he offers.

 

“I’m Luke, and I’m meeting someone,” Luke says apologetically.

 

“Never mind, another time maybe. Do you know the ‘Cock and Ram’ on Princess Street?”

 

“Yeah,” Luke says, with an embarrassed smile. “Bit of a meat market.”

 

“I’m in there most night after this places closes. The Cock and Ram have a late opening license. Maybe I’ll see you sometime.”

 

“Maybe,” Luke says civilly.

 

***

 

 

Craig has decided that, if nothing else, at least the parasite version of him had good taste in property. He is lying in his garden watching the clouds scud across the clear, blue sky. It’s a beautiful, hot, summer evening and Craig is regretting that he has to leave it in order to sit in a pub in the middle of Sun Hill.

 

But he gave his word. Besides it was clear that it meant a lot to the young lad that Craig agreed to go.

 

Craig sighs, and gets up slowly. There is a twinge in his knee from the beating, which he doesn’t remember; and in his back from the parasite, which he’d rather forget.

 

The lounge has been extensively altered since he got home. Craig was horrified to discover that he was the owner of a truly hideous glass coffee table with huge rubber wheels, a lime green couch, and a collection of those sculptures of children with bulgy eyes. Fortunately, the local furniture place took away the old furniture when they brought the new. Being in hospital had done wonders for his bank balance, if nothing else.

 

Craig wanders upstairs and has a very quick shower. He might not know Luke from Adam, but that’s no excuse to be rude.

 

_And_ , whispers a little voice, _he’s got a certain something._

 

Craig smiles as he climbs out of the shower and dries off.

 

_After all, how often does an attractive young man chase me?_

Okay, so he looked very thin and wan, but coming out is hugely stressful, and Craig isn’t surprised he’s looking under the weather.

Craig shaves, sprays himself liberally with anti-perspirant, and a splash of the aftershave he has bought. Then he wanders off to the bedroom to get dressed.

 

***

 

It took Luke almost two hours to decide what to wear for tonight: a black polo neck top, dark blue tight jeans, and dark blue suede trainers.

 

Craig manages the job in less than fifteen minutes.

 

But then anxiety and terror of making the wrong choice crippled Luke. He is gripped, even now, as he waits for Craig to arrive, with the fear that some minor little detail will be enough to put Craig off him.

 

Craig, on the other hand, is anticipating little more than a drink with an attractive young man: something that, even ignoring his enforced nine-month sabbatical, he hasn’t done in a long time. He  _is_  a little bit nervous, but that is due to Luke’s obvious fragility. Although Sean was certainly a drama queen of the highest order, he wasn’t actually a fragile person. He’d undoubtedly carry on like running out of milk was the end of the world, but deep down, he could cope with just about anything. He’d drive you insane whining and telling you how he couldn’t cope, of course, but it was all an act.

 

Craig looks at himself critically in the mirror. His hair is, as always, in open revolt. However, he is willing to concede that, apart from his hair, he’s looking pretty good. He purged the truly dreadful checked shirts from his wardrobe and replaced them with a nice selection of neutrals. They aren’t terribly exciting, but then excitement isn’t what Craig looks for in his clothing. In other men’s clothes, sometimes, but not his own.

 

So: cool white shirt, crisply ironed linen trousers, and soft brown leather loafers. Craig nods at himself in the mirror and wanders off to get his car keys.

 

***

 

Luke feels awful. It’s three minutes to eight: his stomach is cramped, there is a pounding in his ears, and a choking in the back of his throat.

 

_He’s not coming, he’s not coming, he’s not coming._

 

Or worse _: what if he does? What if he comes and I screw it up?_

 

***

 

Craig is thoughtful as he walks towards the pub. He’s wondering if he made the right decision to agree to meet Luke for a drink. The lad is, after all, clearly in a very emotional state.

 

Craig hasn’t been into this particular pub before. In fact, he’s never heard of it before as far as he remembers. It’s a very smart and classy pub. Craig is particularly impressed with the warm wood interiors, the subtle decoration, and the cosy atmosphere.

 

Craig finds himself totting up a score for Luke.

 

_1) One point for an excellent choice of location_

_2) One point for picking a gay pub, and not a coppers’ pub in the first place_

 

Craig walks into the main lounge area where soft mood music is playing in the background. Luke is sitting at a secluded table in the corner of the bar. He stands up immediately when he spots Craig, and walks around the table to offer Craig his hand.

 

“Hi, thanks so much for coming,” Luke says genuinely.

 

_3) Two points for good manners_

_4) Ten points for attire – hubba, hubba, hubba!_

“Thanks for asking me.”

 

“What would you like to drink?” Luke asks eagerly.

 

“Beer thanks,” Craig replies. He sits down, and watches Luke order the drinks. He very nearly awards Luke another five points for his admirably pert bottom. But he decides that is rather shallow of him.

 

“Here you are!” Luke says brightly as he carries two pints of beer over.

 

_5) Two points for being so damn pleased to see me_

“Thanks.”

 

Luke sits opposite Craig, and sips his beer nervously.

 

“You, uh, you look good.”

 

“You too,” Craig allows.

 

“So… how are you feeling now?”

 

“Not too bad.”

 

“Did you catch up with Sean?” Luke asks suddenly, as it occurs to him. “That must’ve been weird for you, suddenly finding out you weren’t together anymore.”

 

“You know Sean?” Craig asks suspiciously.

 

“Not  _know_  him. I met him once, and we’d spoken on the phone once or twice.” Luke licks his lips. “He rang up work, and you didn’t want to talk to him. You asked me to tell him you were busy.”

 

“How cowardly of me,” Craig says sourly.

 

“You always seemed to go out of your way to avoid confrontation,” Luke says sadly. “Personal stuff anyway. I used to rely on you not wanting a confrontation. Work-wise you would because it’s your job.”

 

“I have no problem with confrontations, be it personal or professional,” Craig says coolly.

 

“Tell Sean that. He knew you before you had the, you know, the tumour and he didn’t think it was odd you’d rather hide than confront him.”

 

“What’re you talking about?”

 

“When Sean and you split up. It was very confusing: he dumped all your stuff at the station and then, when you found a new place to live, he turned up and tried to kick the door in.”

 

“Ha!” Craig laughs into his beer. “That sounds like Sean! I was probably supposed to go crawling back, not get my own place.” Craig looks Luke up and down. “And you were there, at the new place, after Sean turned up were you?”

 

“Oh, no, it wasn’t like that,” Luke says quickly. “I was on duty, out in the car with Inspector Gold, and one of your neighbours reported Sean for creating a disturbance. We were despatched.”

 

“Right.”

 

Luke looks down at his shoes, searching for something to say.

 

“So, I get the feeling you haven’t done this much before?”

 

“Gee, you don’t mess around with delicacy, do you? Just go ahead and say it,” Luke answers, mortified.

 

“I’m not known for my subtlety,” Craig agrees. “Still I suppose being married must have cramped your style.”

 

“Wow,” Luke says quietly. “That was below the belt. You could’ve just asked me about Kerry you know.”

 

_6) One point for standing up for himself_

 

“Okay,” Craig says mildly. “I’m asking.”

 

“She’s an officer at Sun Hill.” Luke sighs deeply. “I never thought I was gay. It never occurred to me. Sometimes girls would, you know, stick it on a plate and I’d take them up on it. But I never went after a girl. I wasn’t really that bothered.” Luke shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “I didn’t really enjoy it all that much, but if a girl offers you sex, you sleep with her. That’s what I thought.”

 

“This girl Kerry did that?” Craig asks with a frown. “Offered it to you?”

 

Luke laughs so hard he almost chokes on his beer.

 

“Kerry offered it to everyone! Actually when she started at Sun Hill she was engaged to Martin. It didn’t stop her having a one-night stand with Nick Klein. You remember Nick, right?”

 

“Oh yes. I know Nick.”

 

“I didn’t mean to use her. There were times when I really thought that we could make a go of it. I was fooling myself. I was using her, I wish it wasn’t true. The mess didn’t really start with Kerry though. I mean it had a lot to do with her, but…” Luke purses his lips. “You and I didn’t hit it off very well. I was splashed with mud on the way into work, and it took me so long to get a shower that I was horribly late.”

 

“I hope I didn’t tolerate that?”

 

“Hardly!” Luke giggles. “You came storming into the showers to yell at me. There I was totally in the all-together, and you were mad as anything.” 

 

“The first time I saw you, you were naked?” Craig clarifies.

 

“Yep.”

 

_7)_   _Five points for that adorably cheeky little smile_

 

“I don’t make a habit of talking to constables when they’re showering. At least I don’t think so.”

 

“You never did it to me again. Although for a few weeks, it seemed like every time I tried to have a wee someone would burst in and try to talk to me. You and Kerry both did it.” Luke shakes his head. “Anyway, you had a serious downer on me, nothing I did was right. We spent every day at work rowing and arguing.”

 

“I don’t understand why we were working so closely together.”

 

“Inspector Gold made you my mentor,” Luke explains. “I’d left the police force previously after I saw a suspect murder his child, and then kill himself.”

 

“Right.”

 

“I was obsessed with proving to you that I was a good copper. It was all I thought about. Then we started getting on a bit better… and you were all I thought about.” Luke scans Craig’s face.

 

“Ah,” Craig says quietly. “Straight boy meets gay man, straight boy starts wondering if he’s really straight after all: so far, so gay fairytale. Where does this Kerry come into it?”

 

“She split up with Martin, of course she kept the ring, Kerry likes trophies. She made a pass at me, but I wasn’t interested.” Luke smiles and shakes his head. “That should have tipped me off there and then. I made some excuse about not being ready for a relationship, and how hard I was finding it back in the service. Kerry wasn’t impressed because no one turns her down! She went running off to you and whinged about how crap her life was.”

 

“Me?” Craig asks surprised. “Why would she tell me?”

 

“You were friendly and,” Luke pauses for a moment, “I don’t know why, but I have a feeling you were pumping her for information.”

 

“How very unlike me,” Craig says tartly.

 

“I don’t want to bog you down with details. Various things happened, and I started to realise that I was attracted to you.” Luke sighs to himself. “I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to have to cope with an attraction for another man. You must despise me.”

 

“It’s difficult for a lot of people when they start to realise,” Craig allows.

 

“I asked Kerry out on a date and after, when she asked me back to hers, I said no.” Luke fiddles with the beer mat. “Somehow I got talking to you about it. We were searching for Reg after he went missing. We spent most of the day talking, it was great. Reg was found and we went back to the Station. I… I went to your office to ask if you’d like to come for a drink with us to celebrate. You didn’t of course…“

 

“Hang on,” Craig interrupts, “why didn’t I? If it’s a special occasion, I normally manage to get there. I’m not completely unsociable.”

 

“Oh,” Luke says surprised. “I’ve never known you go to the pub.”

 

“Sorry, carry on.”

 

“Er, yeah well you just changed the subject. I was… I dunno, disappointed. We’d spent all day together chatting about stuff and I’d had a great time. Talking about our families and stuff. I didn’t want that to end.” Luke sighs deeply. “We talked a little bit about how hard the police service can be.” Luke looks up. “Then I kissed you.”

 

“You kissed me  _in the station_?” Craig asks, appalled.

 

“In your office. A little peck, then a proper kiss, and then I ran away. That was the pattern for us. We got close, I got scared, and then I did something to push you away. That… that was how I ended up getting married. In a flap about kissing you, I went out with Kerry again and I slept with her. You kept telling me I was gay, not straight you see, and… why are you looking at me like that?”

 

“You kissed me, and I told you that you were gay?” Craig asks incredulously.

 

“Yes?”

 

“Based on  _one_   _kiss_?”

 

“You said that straight boys don’t kiss gay men,” Luke tries to explain. “You kept saying that we had to talk about it. I was panicking.”

 

“I’m not surprised!” Craig sneers. “Trust me,  _lots_  of straight boys get curious and experiment. Normally when they’re with friends, or when they’re drunk. One snog doesn’t mean anything. That was totally out of order.”

 

Luke sits back in his chair and lets out a huge sigh.

 

“You have  _no_  idea how much of a relief that is! Before I drone on anymore, do you want another drink?”

 

“Er, yeah, another beer would be great.”

 

_8) Three points for being honest even though he thought I wouldn’t like it._

 

***

 

Craig puts his head in his hands.

 

“So, basically I was stalking you?”

 

“I didn’t  _say_  that,” Luke says awkwardly.

 

Craig looks at him.

 

“Look, you’re being honest about how you behaved, so, be honest about how I behaved. Trust me; I’ll be less embarrassed than you will.”

 

Luke nods slowly.

 

“Okay, yes. As far as work went you seemed to be following me around, keeping tabs on me, and trying to convince me that I was making a terrible mistake. You never approached me away from work though.”

 

“I’m surprised you didn’t report me.”

 

“No one would’ve believed me,” Luke admits. “For one thing you were Inspector Gold’s pet, and for another thing, I’d cried wolf before. When I was at Sun Hill the first time, I met this girl Abbie Watts. We arrested her step-dad for beating up her mum. When I was there the two us got talking, and I told her about my dad and how violent and abusive he was.”

 

Craig flinches, but Luke doesn’t notice.

 

“She wouldn’t leave me alone. I wanted to have it out with her, but instead we ended up talking and going out one night. Then we did it.” Luke looks away shamefully. “On a park bench, isn’t that horrible? I felt really bad about it afterwards and guilty. I wouldn’t have anything to do with her, and she was hanging around the station. She got pregnant and she was saying it was mine. I knew it wasn’t, so I lied, and told everyone that I hadn’t slept with her.”

 

“How old were you?”

 

“Nineteen or twenty I think, I can’t remember. Anyway, it came out that I had slept with her. It was her step-dad’s baby. He’d found out that she’d slept with me, and decided he deserved a go too,” Luke says with loathing in his voice. “So, anyway, I didn’t think anyone would believe me if I claimed someone was stalking me. Not after that.” Luke rubs his face.

 

Craig is rehearsing a speech in his head:

 

You don’t have to worry about me stalking you. Nothing that I did or said was real. I was… deluded, confused, sick in the head. I’m just a regular bloke now; I won’t be bothering you.

 

Craig opens his mouth to deliver his, hopefully reassuring, speech.

 

“Besides I couldn’t report you,” Luke says, looking at the table. “You were in love with me. Kerry wasn’t, I was just a convenient way for her to play happy families. It was so important to me, and I never told you. On the morning of my wedding, I pretended that I didn’t know how you felt, but I did. It made me feel so good that someone like you could feel that way about me. It made me believe that it didn’t matter how useless and pathetic my life was, because you were in it, and that gave it a purpose. Sorry,” Luke says, looking up, “Were you going to say something?”

 

“No,” Craig says quietly.

 

“Kerry had this fantasy about getting married and happy ever after. What with trying desperately to deny the truth, and her pushing me into a marriage I didn’t want, I felt like I was going mad. You backed off when I got engaged. That made me angry because I didn’t have your full attention, I had to share you with bloody Carl, and I was so jealous.”

 

“Carl?”

 

“Lad I went to school with. A scumbag, petty criminal, and it turned out he was HIV positive and hadn’t told you. Oh it’s okay,” Luke says quickly, seeing the expression on Craig’s face. “You were tested and came up clear. You split up with him when you found out about the HIV.”

 

_Perhaps,_ Craig thinks,  _it didn’t need another host so desperately at the time._

 

“It was common knowledge that my boyfriend was HIV positive?”

 

“No, Kerry recognised Carl’s medication. She told me, and…”

 

“You told me?” Craig guesses.

 

“Yeah. Then all of a sudden the wedding was in a few days, and I was petrified. I couldn’t talk to you about it because I was blaming you, and I couldn’t talk to Kerry. Then Inspector Gold made you go on my stag night.”

 

Craig closes his eyes.

 

“Please tell me we didn’t get drunk and end up in bed?”

 

“Not that drunk,” Luke says softly. “Just enough to take the edge off how terrified I was of everything.”

 

“I don’t behave like that,” Craig growls. “I don’t take advantage of confused and drunken young men.”

 

“It wasn’t like that,” Luke says gently. “I really wanted to. I really wanted to  _so_  much. I cared about you, and I wanted to make you happy, but I couldn’t. I tried really hard, but I couldn’t relax. You were so patient.”

 

“It’s always difficult, but it shouldn’t have happened.”

 

“In the morning I left you,” Luke says, humiliation clear in his face. “You begged me not to marry Kerry, but I wouldn’t listen. I denied that I ever cared for you. I denied that it had been anything more than curiosity.”

 

“Take a breather, kid,” Craig says mildly. “You look like you need another drink.”

 

***

 

“That’s it really,” Luke finishes with a shrug. “My sorry marriage.”

 

“It’s really over with you and Kerry then? Even after she begged you to try again?”

 

“I’m gay,” Luke says simply. “I do care about her, but not like that, and she’s having a fine time working her way though the assembled Sun Hill constables.”

 

9) Minus fifteen for having serious baggage.

 

“Tony Stamp may finally get a girl,” Craig says wickedly.

 

“I’m not sure I’d go that far!” Luke chortles.

 

_10) One point for the little twinkle in his eye when he laughs._

“I have to tell you that I make it a rule not to get involved with closet cases, and definitely, not married closet cases.”

 

“I see,” Luke says with dignity. “Well, all I could do was tell you my side of things.”

 

_11) Ten points for taking that like a man_

“You could argue that you’re out, and that your marriage is over,” Craig points out.

 

“I could whine and stamp my feet, but I don’t think that would help either,” Luke says wryly.

“Another drink?” Craig asks.

 

“Aren’t you driving?” Luke asks gently. “I wouldn’t want you to have an accident.”

 

12) Twenty-five points for still caring even though he thinks he’s blown it.

 

"You're right, I shouldn't, not now. How about tomorrow night instead then?"

 

“Sorry?” Luke asks blankly.

 

“Do you want to come for another drink tomorrow? Or a meal?”

 

“I don’t understand,” Luke says, bewildered. “You said you didn’t want to get involved with me.”

 

“No, I didn’t. I said I had a rule about closet cases, which you were, and married men, which you were. I’m still not one hundred percent sure of you, but I’m open to persuasion. If you’re interested, that is?”

 

“Hell, yeah!” Luke answers, startled

 

“Good, tomorrow then?”

 

“Uh, yeah. Will… will you call me?”

 

“Yeah,” Craig says with a nod. “I’ll book a table and I’ll ring you about it, okay?”

 

“Yeah, great,” Luke says, bewildered but pleased.

 

***

 

Craig is whistling when he gets home. He locks the door, makes himself a cup of hot chocolate, and goes to bed.

 

***

 

Luke, never the most self-aware of men, is feeling fuzzy and confused when he gets home. He checks his answer phone – one barely comprehensible message from a clearly drunk Kerry; and his emails -- all spam. He mooches around vaguely, flicks through the television channels, skims through the current copy of ‘Attitude’ on the coffee table, and then has a quick look at his favourite websites.

 

Nothing sinks in.

 

That wasn’t supposed to happen.

 

What Luke really expected was to be rejected. The only question was when: right away, halfway through the first drink, or at the very end of the evening.

 

Of course, he’d fantasised about sweeping Craig off his feet and into bed. Or, better still, Craig sweeping him off his feet and into bed.

 

So, here he is. He was expecting to be either utterly miserable or over the moon. At least he’d have known one way or the other. 

 

Luke turns off the television and the computer, locks the door, and goes upstairs. He undresses and climbs into the shower. Standing under the pounding water, and stroking himself, he thinks about the Craig he knew. He’s gone, and in his place is someone so similar yet so different, someone who can hear Luke’s apologies, but who can’t give the forgiveness Luke craves. He could say the words, if he wanted, but it wouldn’t mean anything.

 

Luke should hate him for being there instead of ‘his’ Craig. He shouldn’t prefer this Craig. He shouldn’t be so desperate to win his approval and affection.

 

But he is.

 

Luke comes weakly. He leans his head against the cool tiles as the water washes it away.

 

He cries. He’s so sick of crying. He’s sick of the misery and the nausea in his belly.

 

***

 

Gina continues to hammer on the front door.

 

Craig yanks the door open.

 

“Bloody hell, you again?”

 

“Can I come in?” Gina asks nicely.

 

“Look lady, you didn’t make a great impression the other day, and you sure as hell aren’t growing on me.”

 

“There’s no need to be so aggressive.”

 

“Aggressive? You practically broke my door down.”

 

“I did ring you last night, but I didn’t get any answer,” Gina says through gritted teeth.

 

“I don’t have to explain myself to you. Is that all?” Craig asks impatiently.

 

“No, can I come in?”

 

“Do I have a choice?” Craig asks wearily, stepping out of her way.

 

***

 

“I suppose Ashton’s been telling you all sorts of tales?” Gina asks, sitting on the edge of the couch.

 

“Ashton? Oh, you mean Luke?” Craig scratches his forehead. “What’s it got to do with you?”

 

Gina bristles.

 

“If Luke Ashton has been slagging me off, I want to know.”

 

“I was under the impression you’re an Inspector.”

 

“That’s right. Until recently both you and Ashton were on my relief.”

 

“Snooping about and sticking your nose into private conversations is part of running a relief, is it?”

 

“Now  _look_ ,” Gina starts angrily.

 

“No,  _you_  look! I’m a grown-up, and as far as I can tell, so is Luke Ashton. What I choose to do in my spare time is my business. Who I choose to spend my time with is  _my_  business. Unless I’m very much mistaken you aren’t my wife or my mother, and I don’t have to explain a damn thing to you.”

 

“This is him, isn’t it? Luke  _bloody_  Ashton! Every disagreement we’ve had has been about him. For once when it comes to Ashton,  _please_  stop thinking with your penis!”

 

Craig folds his arms.

 

“I’ve explained this to you once, but since you seem to be having trouble with the concept, I’ll try again. I don’t have any memory of you, or the previous nine months, and as you may have noticed, I’m not the person that you knew. I don’t know what your problem is with Luke, and I frankly don’t care.”

 

“He used you,” Gina sneers. “He’s a self obsessed, manipulative liar. He slept with you the night before his wedding.”

 

“Yes, I know,” Craig says in a bored voice. “He told me. He seemed to need to get it off his chest.”

 

“He  _told_ you?”

 

“So, if that’s all?”

 

“You can do better,” Gina spits out.

 

“What the hell makes this any of your business?” Craig asks in exasperation.

 

“I’m your friend!”

 

“Maybe you were. I don’t know you. What I do know is that I don’t need a friend who treats me like a bloody child.”

 

***

 

Luke is sitting in his therapist’s office. It is a modern room with soft beige walls, and pale wooden furniture.

 

“I can honestly say that’s a unique situation.” Violet pushes her glasses up her nose.

 

“That’s me, nothing straightforward or simple,” Luke says with a small smile.

 

“So, you went out with him. How did it go?”

 

“It was… odd. We talked, that is to say I droned on, and he tried to stay awake.”

 

“We’ve talked about this tendency to run yourself down,” Violet says mildly.

 

“No one wants to go out for a drink and hear the other person drone on about their ex’s. Even if  _they_  are one of the ex’s,” Luke says seriously.

 

“Did he seem to resent it?”

 

“He was listening, and he asked questions,” Luke says uncertainly.

 

“That sounds fairly promising.”

 

“He asked to see me again,” Luke answers, blushing a little. “He’s going to ring me, and we’re going out for a meal tonight.”

 

***

 

“What did you think Luke had said about you?”

 

Gina clenches her jaw.

 

“I don’t think that’s relevant.”

 

“Well, I’m seeing him tonight. I’ll just ask him,” Craig says mildly.

 

“Alright!” Gina snaps. “I liked you so much better before!”

 

“From what Luke has said, I get the impression that I was a weak-willed lump who let people walk all over him. That’s your choice of friend, is it?” Craig asks tartly.

 

“It’s a fair assessment of how you acted around  _him_. You didn’t behave that way around me, but then you weren’t head over heels in lust with  _me_.”

 

“And doesn’t that piss you off?” Craig says, suddenly getting it.

 

***

 

Kerry trails behind Sergeant Smith as he walks up the path and knocks politely on the door. The sound of shouting abruptly cuts off.

 

“Kerry, take yer hands out of yer pockets!”

 

“Whatever,” Kerry mutters.

 

Craig opens the door, and smiles politely at them both.

 

“Can I help you, officers?”

 

“We had a report…”

 

“Sarge!” Kerry throws her arms around Craig tightly, and then jumps back. “No, wait, I’m mad at you!”

 

Smithy and Craig stare at her.

 

“What’s this, care in the community policing?” Craig asks.

 

“Kerry, go and sit in the car!” Smithy snaps.

 

“Fine!” Kerry spins on her heel and stamps off.

 

“Right!” Smithy says, clearing his throat. “We have a report of a disturbance; ‘ere why did she call you Sarge?”

 

“Did you call her Kerry? She’s not Luke Ashton’s wife, is she?”

 

“Oi, I asked first.”

 

“I used to work at Sun Hill.”

 

“Oh gawd, you’re not the all-bleeding-mighty Sergeant Gilmore, are you?” Smithy asks hopelessly.

 

“Oi!” Gina pushes Craig aside, and points a finger at Smithy. “You’re in uniform, watch your language.”

 

“Actually, Sergeant,” Craig says sweetly. “This woman  _is_  causing a disturbance. Perhaps you could ask her to leave, since she doesn’t listen to a word I say?”

 

***

 

Luke is in the bath when the phone rings. He jumps out of the bath, grabs the phone from the windowsill before it stops ringing, and crouches down behind the couch.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Sorry, is this a bad time?” Craig asks.

 

Luke crawls on his hands and knees out of the lounge, with the phone cradled between his shoulder and ear, and into the shelter of the bathroom.

 

“No, no, it’s fine.”

 

“Oh, okay, you just sound a bit breathless.”

 

“Only when I talk to you,” Luke jokes, instantly wishing he hadn’t.

 

There is a very brief pause, and then Craig laughs.

 

“As long as it’s a good breathless! I was just checking that you’re still on for this evening?”

 

“Yeah, definitely.” Luke begins drying himself off with a bath towel. 

 

“Great, I’ve booked a table at ‘Carillon des Cloches’, do you know it?”

 

“No,” Luke says slowly. “It doesn’t ring any bells.”

 

“I could swing by your place and pick you up?” Craig offers smoothly.

 

“Thanks, that’d be great.”

 

“About seven, how does that sound?”

 

“It sounds great,” Luke answers earnestly.

 

***

 

“Oh  _now what_?” Craig groans when he opens the door to a pouting blonde woman in too-tight jeans, a midriff baring top, and a suede jacket.

 

“So, I hear that you’ve lost your memory?” Kerry demands.

 

“Well, should I know who  _you_  are?” Craig asks archly.

 

“I’m Kerry.” She plays with her hair. “Look can I come in and talk to you, rather than stand here on the doorstep?”

 

Craig checks his watch, and silently opens the door.

 

“Ten minutes.”

 

***

 

Luke flips through the ‘Yellow Pages’ until he finds the restaurants section.

 

Yowser! ‘Carillon des Cloches’ has a full two-page spread. It looks very upmarket, and very expensive. Time to make a trip to the cash machine.

 

***

 

Kerry looks around Craig’s lounge with interest.

 

“This is very stylish.”

 

“I just redecorated.”

 

“Nice, subtle.” Kerry smiles wryly. “Luke decorated our place, that’s very stylish and understated too.”

 

“They do say beware of men with an interest in interior design,” Craig says with a thin smile.

 

“And he’s really into clothes and looking good. He had more bath stuff than I did! I’m so stupid.” Kerry flops down on the couch. “Have you seen him recently?”

 

“I don’t think that’s any of your business, is it?” Craig asks, sitting in the armchair.

 

“I miss him,” Kerry admits. “We had fun. Sometimes, when he was relaxed and wasn’t all stressed out. I miss you as well. It’s not the same at Sun Hill without you.”

 

“I don’t remember you at all I’m afraid.”

 

“I made him promise that he’d try and talk to you,” Kerry says quietly. “He treated us both like crap, and I thought he should apologise to you.”

 

“He has.”

 

“Stupid sod’s in love with you, but he stuffed it all up.”

 

“He told you that?” Craig asks carefully.

 

“No.” Kerry hugs one of the cushions. “He says that he regrets lying to me, and marrying me, when he knew he wasn’t straight. But nothing he did with you. Things he did  _to_  you, but not with you.”

 

“So it’s an amicable divorce?”

 

“No,” Kerry says harshly.

 

Craig raises an eyebrow.

 

“Oh?”

 

“That’s rather personal you know,” Kerry says hotly.

 

“Whoa, you started it.”

 

Kerry purses her lips and glances away.

 

“I don’t care what other people think about us being married. He won’t even try though.”

 

“He told me he’s gay,” Craig says gently.

 

“It didn’t stop him getting it up, believe me!”

 

“Look, Carrie…”

 

“ _Kerry!_ ”

 

“Sorry, I’m terrible with names,” Craig says honestly.

 

“It’s okay. It must be very confusing to have to cope with everything,” Kerry says generously.

 

“Kerry, I know this must be a horrible time for you. When married men come out, hardly anyone thinks about the effect on the wife. Do you have children?”

 

“No.”

 

“I have friends who were married and in the closet. They genuinely loved their wives, but…”

 

“But not that way,” Kerry says bitterly. “As friends or like a sister. Is that what you mean?”

 

“I’m sorry if it sounds like a line. It’s not meant to be.”

 

“I don’t even have that. Luke didn’t love me in any way. He married me purely to hide his sexuality.”

 

***

 

Luke twitches the curtain, and glances surreptitiously at the street. Craig is looking right at him from where he is standing, locking the car door.

 

Luke jumps back a clear foot.

 

The curtain falls back over the window, meaning that Luke doesn’t see Craig’s wry smile.

 

Luke worries his thumb, starring blankly at the wall, and then flinches at the polite tap on the door.

 

***

 

Craig smiles at Luke.

 

“Hi, am I too early?”

 

“No,” Luke squeaks. “No, sorry.”

 

“Why are you sorry?” Craig asks. “Apart from leaving me on the doorstep, and not inviting me in for a drink?”

 

“Oh shi.. sorry!” Luke opens the door widely. “Would you like to come in and have a drink?”

 

“Mmm,” Craig says, appearing to give it great thought. “Okay then, since you insist.”

 

Luke smiles shyly.

 

***

 

As they walk around the building, Luke peers through the windows.

 

“Oh heck, look how they’re dressed! They won’t let me in.”

 

“You look fine,” Craig says mildly.

 

Better than fine, lickable in fact.

 

“It’s so grown-up,” Luke frets.

 

Craig just smiles, and shakes his head.

 

***

 

Luke sits facing the room, and orders a glass of water from the hovering waiter.

 

“I’ll have a glass of orange juice please,” Craig says. “My friend worries if I drive after a drink.”

 

“No, I meant… you know a few drinks and…” Luke trails off.

 

“Relax, it was a joke.”

 

“Sorry, I get nervous and I burble on.”

 

“Burble?” Craig queries.

 

“Yeah, you know, talk too much.”

 

“Ah, I thought that was because you hadn’t a clue what to say to a real live man on an actual date.”

 

“You don’t have to make fun of me,” Luke says quietly.

 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to.”  Craig leans forward. “It’s really nice that you don’t have a load of cheesy lines.”

 

“I haven’t really… you know, hit the scene much,” Luke says sheepishly. “I’ve been to some clubs with some gay friends, but that’s about it.”

 

“One of them introduced you to the place last night?” Craig asks.

 

“No, actually, when you said you’d have a drink with me, I dashed around Sun Hill like an idiot looking for a good gay friendly place,” Luke says honestly.

 

“I’m flattered.” Craig says warmly, leaning closer.

 

Luke blushes shyly.

 

“I wanted so much to make a good impression. Not very attractive is it, desperation?”

 

“I don’t think that’s  _desperate_. Wanting to make a good impression on a first date is perfectly normal. If you hadn’t bothered about the impression you made, I’d be quite insulted.”

 

“What kind of impression did I make?”

 

Craig raises his eyebrows.

 

“Nobody’s ever asked me that outright before.”

 

“I try really hard to be open and honest. It’s not really my nature, but I’m working on it. I never wanted to lie and deceive people the way I used to. Sometimes I try too hard and it comes out wrong,” Luke explains.

 

“So this is the all new and improved, honest Luke Ashton?” Craig asks.

 

“I don’t know I’d go that far,” Luke says smiling. “Have you had a good day?”

 

“Busy!” Craig snorts. “I’ve had an endless parade of police officers in and out of my place.”

 

“Have you? Well I suppose that’s what you get for being popular.”

 

“I am  _not_  popular I’ll have you know,” Craig says mock sternly, waving a fork at Luke.

 

“You’re quite well liked,” Luke says, smiling at Craig’s obvious discomfort. “You’re the go-to guy for all kinds of problems.”

 

“If I wanted to deal with the problems of a bunch of emotionally stunted police officers, then I would’ve become a counsellor for Alcoholics Anonymous,” Craig replies tartly.

 

“What’s the matter with being someone that people turn to?”

 

“It makes me uncomfortable,” Craig admits, taking a sip of the juice that the waiter has just brought. “I don’t know how to talk to people like that.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“You know…  _damaged_.”

 

Luke howls with laughter.

 

“You’re so funny! You make it sound like anyone with a problem must be two steps away from the loony bin!”

 

“No, I…” Craig folds his arms defensively. “I’m just not used to it. That’s all.”

 

“You’re a police officer in the twenty-first century! You better get used to it, Craig. You can’t go through your career covering your ears, and singing ‘La la la’.”

 

Craig fails to smother a grin.

 

“Want a bet?”

 

“This is not what I expect from a man who told me that he has no problems dealing with confrontation,” Luke says sternly.

 

“That’s  _different_.”

 

“How?”

 

“It… it just is!”

 

“People are emotional, worked up, upset. Different cause, but the same symptoms,” Luke argues.

 

“Oh… shut up and order your food.”

 

***

 

“Here, try.” Craig holds out his fork. Luke takes it from him carefully and tastes the food.

 

“Ooh, that’s good!” Luke giggles, and hands the fork back.

 

“How’s yours?”

 

“Really nice, want a taste?” Luke tentatively holds out a forkful of pasta.

 

“Thanks.” Craig grins broadly. “Mmm, that’s nice, but I’ll stick with my salt squid.”

 

“Glad to hear it! Although what kind of a big butch man eats seafood I don’t know,” Luke teases.

 

“A man who’s secure, and doesn’t worry what other people will think about his choice of food,” Craig retorts.

 

“Have you ever had caviar?” Luke asks wistfully.

 

“Oh, a very long time ago. It was at a wedding, and no one else was touching it. I must have eaten half the jar, and more toast points and little crackers than could possibly have been healthy for me.”

 

“Posh wedding,” Luke says admiringly.

 

“A lad I was in the army cadets with. It was terribly posh! The caviar was nice though.”

 

“Army cadets? You were in the army cadets?”

 

“There’s no need to say it like that,” Craig admonishes. “It’s not that astonishing.”

 

“I just always imagined that you were the type who wanted to be a copper since the day you were born. Don’t they have police cadets in Wales or something?”

 

“I wanted to be in the army,” Craig says quietly. “Well, when I was a teenager I did. My dad was in the army, and I found that atmosphere of stability and discipline very appealing.”

 

“It always seemed really… dehumanising to me,” Luke says quietly. “And all the ex-squaddies I know, are bigots or thugs, or both.”

 

“I think on some level I like being able to turn the hard decisions to someone else,” Craig says quietly. “Plus there’s the ready-made camaraderie. You’re instantly part of a group; you have a function, and a purpose.”

 

“The function and purpose being to kill people,” Luke says darkly.

 

“Yeah well, that’s why it falls down!” Craig laughs.

 

“I don’t like soldiers. I’m glad you’re not a soldier.”

 

“It really bothers you, doesn’t it?” Craig asks more quietly.

 

Luke pushes his fork around his plate aimlessly.

 

“I was in Africa with MSF. I saw how soldiers behave.”

 

“I suppose…” Craig licks his lips, “…that’s part of what you were saying about it being dehumanising.”

 

“Sorry, I’ve ruined the conversation,” Luke says miserably.

 

“No,” Craig says firmly. “Goodness knows I’ve spent far too much of my life having conversations about music, or restaurants, or the latest fashion for men.”

 

“Sorry, I have trouble spotting irony,” Luke admits. “Are you taking the mickey?”

 

“I’m really not,” Craig says with a smile. “How did you come to be working for MSF?”

 

“You remember I said about having left the police previously after I saw someone kill his child?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Well… I wanted…. I needed to do something to try and make up for that,” Luke tries to explain. “I’ve always done volunteer charity work since I was a teenager. MSF seemed like the right place for me.”

 

“I can’t even begin to think how difficult that must be,” Craig says quietly.

 

“Easier than coming out was,” Luke says ruefully. “So, why didn’t you become a soldier?”

 

“A soldier, back then? I’d have never made it through the selection board. The USA may’ve had a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy, but we didn’t. The MPs seemed to like nothing better than ferreting gays out.” Craig swirls his drink around the bottom of the glass.

 

“Their loss,” Luke says lightly.

 

“What did you want to be, when you were a kid?”

 

“A policeman,” Luke says, embarrassed. “I was going to help people like my family, and make the world a safer place to live in.” Luke blushes, and looks down at the table.

 

“What about your family?” Craig asks gently.

 

“Oh, nothing that out of the ordinary. Saturday night special stuff.”

 

“Violent dad?”

 

“Uh-huh. Do you know who Gary Best is?”

 

“No, doesn’t ring a bell,” Craig says with a shrug.

 

“He’s a copper at Sun Hill. Actually, he’s a TDC. He’s from Manchester. His dad was like mine. Gary shopped him to the police.” Luke smiles sadly at Craig. “He shopped his dad and testified against him. Me, I hid. What kind of a coward does that make me?”

 

“Don’t talk such bollocks,” Craig says flatly. “You can’t compare the two situations. You were scared, and you hid. That’s completely natural.”

 

“I suppose so,” Luke says quietly.

 

“Let me tell you something,” Craig suggests. Luke looks at him trustingly. “I’m not a coward. If I get the order to put on riot gear and go out to quell a riot, then I go. I’ll tackle muggers and gangs as and when I have to. But my first posting in London was  _hell_  because of bullies. I bet your dad didn’t just hit you, did he?”

 

“How do you mean?”

 

“I mean the way he spoke to you.”

 

“He said that I was a pathetic piece of…” Luke trails off.

 

“See?” Craig says gently. “That can be worse than being hit. It wears you down and saps your energy. If someone had hit me, then I could’ve hit back. But they didn’t. Sometimes, it’s not even what they say; it’s a tone of voice, or a look. How can you make a complaint about someone looking at you?”

 

Luke touches the back of Craig’s hand with his fingertips. Craig takes Luke’s hand in his own.

 

“It’s not your fault if a bully destroyed your self-esteem,” Luke says softly.

 

“Or  _yours_. Just because he’s your father doesn’t give him the right to treat you that way. It doesn’t mean that you deserved what happened to you.”

 

***

 

“Do you fancy a dessert?” Craig asks.

 

“I fancy lots of things,” Luke says, failing in his attempts not to blush.

 

“Is that so?” Craig asks sweetly.

 

“I like to try diverse things.”

 

“Adventurous, eh?” Craig raises an eyebrow. “Do you like to try different things in your mouth?”

 

Luke nearly chokes.

 

***

 

“Cheeseboard?” Luke asks incredulously. “A  _cheeseboard_? After a meal like that?”

 

“After a meal like that, I want something fairly simple,” Craig explains. “And I like cheese.”

 

“So do I, but I wouldn’t eat it after seafood.”

 

“I think we established that you’re not a big seafood fan?”

 

Luke scowls at him, and then smiles cherubically at the waiter.

 

“Can I have the rice meringue please?”

 

“Of course, Sir.”

 

When the waiter is out of earshot, Craig gently raps Luke’s knuckles with the back of his fork.

 

“Ow,” Luke says, more surprised than hurt.

 

Craig leans forward.

 

“No flirting with the waiters,” he says, half joking as he wags a finger.

 

“I wasn’t, was I?”

 

“For future reference then,” Craig says, with a smile and a wink.

 

_Future reference,_ Luke thinks to himself, and he beams back at Craig.

 

***

 

Craig’s ‘cheeseboard’ is in fact an elegant bone chine plate: almost half is covered with varied exotic cheeses; the other half holds several types of biscuits, crackers, and a selection of fruit. 

 

Luke is more than happy with his dish of rice meringue. The smell of bay leaf and vanilla curls over to him as the waiter carries it across the restaurant.

 

“What is that?” Craig asks, delicately balancing a triangle of blue cheese on top of a cracker.

 

“Rice meringue!” Luke says enthusiastically.

 

Craig merely raises an eyebrow.

 

“It’s like rice pudding, but with vanilla and butter in, and a meringue on top,” Luke clarifies.

 

“And you made fun of  _my_  choice of dessert?”

 

***

 

It is very quiet on Luke’s road. Luke is worrying his thumb as Craig carefully parks the car.

 

“Thanks,” Luke says suddenly, breaking the uncomfortable quiet. “I had a great time.”

 

“Me too.” Craig shifts a little closer in his seat. “I had a ball.”

 

“We’ve never really sat and had a long chat. It was nice, I like talking to you.”

 

“Talking is good,” Craig agrees. He unbuckles his seatbelt, edges closer, and kisses Luke tentatively.

 

“We could go out again?” Luke asks, breathless and wide-eyed.

 

“Definitely.”

 

Luke slips his hand behind Craig’s head, and pulls him in for another kiss.

 

It should be uncomfortable, sitting pushed up against the door of the car, but Luke doesn’t notice. He is sure that he can hear his own heartbeat hammering in his chest, smell Craig’s pheromones washing over him, and taste Craig in his mouth. But he is completely oblivious to the uncomfortable position, the cold air coming through the window, and the car seat sticking to his skin. 

 

Craig sits back a little. Catching Luke’s mouth once or twice as if struggling to break away completely.

 

Luke timidly strokes Craig’s knee.

 

“Would you…um…”

 

“What?” Craig asks, leaning forward.

 

“It’s such a cheesy line,” Luke says blushing.

 

“Even better then,” Craig teases gently.

 

“Would you like to… come inside for a coffee?” Luke asks, full of hope.

 

“Uh, no.”

 

“Oh.” Luke’s face turns grey, and then he scrambles for the door handle.

 

“Hey,” Craig says quickly, taking his arm. “It’s not like that.”

 

“Now’s not a good time,” Luke says flatly, not looking at Craig. “I can’t talk right now.”

 

“It’s not a rejection.”

 

“’No’ sounds like a pretty clear rejection to me,” Luke says icily.

 

“It’s too soon; it wouldn’t be fair on you.”

 

“What do you mean?” Luke asks suspiciously.

 

“We’ve been out twice. I like you, I’m attracted to you strongly, and I’d  _really_  like to sleep with you,” Craig says gently.

 

Luke closes the door, and sits back in the seat.

 

“What’s the problem then?”

 

“I barely know you. If I sleep with you now, it’ll mean nothing. I have no problem with meaningless, it’s like junk food. Once or twice for a treat sometimes just hits the spot. But there’s nothing of substance to it, and that’s not what you’re looking for, is it?”

 

“No,” Luke says quietly.

 

“I like you, I want to get to know you properly, and then see how we both feel then.”

 

Luke stares down at his lap.

 

“I should’ve stopped things.”

 

“What?”

 

“On my stag night.” Luke sighs heavily. “Then I should’ve told Kerry the truth and called off the wedding.”

 

“Listen, Luke, you can spend the rest of your life wishing you’d done things differently. All you achieve is a wasted life.” Craig tilts up Luke’s chin and kisses him tenderly. “I’ll ring you tomorrow, and see how you’re feeling. Okay?”

 

“Okay,” Luke says softly.

 

***

 

“How do you feel about that?” Violet asks.

 

“Humiliated.”

 

“Why?”

 

Luke looks out of the window.

 

“Because I threw myself at him. Because I assumed he just wanted to get into my pants.”

 

“Do you think that he led you on?”

 

“No, I don’t know. It was just kissing,” Luke says wryly.

 

“Do you feel anything else?”

 

“Stupid, for the same reasons.”

 

Violet crosses her legs.

 

“He told you that he wanted to get to know you better. How do you feel about that?”

 

“Pleased, nervous.” Luke draws his knees up to his chest. “What if he doesn’t like what he finds?”

 

“Under the circumstances, isn’t it more likely that  _you_  will find something unexpected?”

 

***

 

Craig spends a pleasant weekend with his parents. He’s happy to note that they, at least, are pleased to find him acting more like his old self.

 

“I never liked the sound of that Carl,” his mother, Ina, mutters. “I spoke to him on the phone, and he sounded awfully rough.”

 

“How do you mean?” Craig asks, intrigued.

 

“Well… like he’d just got out of bed. And he was making that dreadful sound, you know when someone needs to blow their nose, but they won’t. They make that disgusting snuffling sound.” 

 

“Maybe he didn’t have a tissue,” Craig says, grinning at her.

 

“Then he should have fetched one, or at least apologised for the sound.”

 

“You don’t like any of them,” his father, Richard, points out. “Too old, too rough, too feminine, you’re never happy.”

 

“Are you seeing anyone now?” Ina asks, ignoring him completely.

 

“Not seriously. Been on a couple of dates with a lad, early days yet.”

 

“Nice?”

 

“No, Mum, I’m going out with him, and I think he’s horrible.”

 

***

 

“How much older?” Jenny asks Luke, as they sit in her lounge.

 

“Not  _that_  much. Eight years.”

 

“How do you know it’s not more? People lie about their ages.”

 

“It was in the paper when he was attacked,” Luke explains. “They always put people’s ages. I’ve never been able to work out why. What’s it got to do with anything? They might as well put ‘Woman (fairly attractive with good make-up) mugged’ as ‘Woman (thirty seven years old) mugged’.”

 

“Oh, Luke, you do say the daftest things sometimes,” Jenny giggles.

 

“I’m serious!” Luke protests.

 

“Then why are you grinning, eh?”

 

“Just because!” Luke giggles.

 

“You will be careful, won’t you?”

 

“About what?”

 

Jenny picks up his hand and squeezes his fingers.

 

“You’re so new to…  _men_. Your taste in women is enough to make me worry what your taste in men is like.”

 

“Oh, Mum,” Luke says gently.

 

“And you hear stories!”

 

“I’m a big boy, Mum.”

 

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Jenny says quietly. “You do… take precautions, don’t you?”

 

Luke takes Jenny’s hand and squeezes it affectionately.

 

“When the time comes, I’ll be careful, I promise.”

 

“You haven’t…?”

 

“No, not yet.”

 

“I thought that you’d cheated on Kerry?” Jenny asks apologetically.

 

Luke rubs his forehead.

 

“She told you that?”

 

“She rang me up one night, she was very drunk.”

 

“You never said anything about it to me,” Luke says quietly.

 

“What was there to say?”

 

Luke looks at his hands.

 

“There are a lot of things you can do that don’t need protection,” he says finally. 

 

“Ah.”

 

“Craig’s a good man,” Luke says quietly. “He wants to wait until we know each other better, before we… do anything. But, if we do, then I promise I’ll be careful.”

 

“Luke, sweetheart, I’m sure you know best.”

 

“But?”

 

“But… well he knew you were getting married, didn’t he?” Jenny asks delicately.

 

“Well, it’s different now.” Luke smiles wistfully at her. “Things have changed.”

 

***

 

“You always ring me when I’m in the bath,” Luke says, gently amused.

 

“Do I?” Craig asks. “Is that why you were breathless last week, because you ran for the phone?”

 

“Sure was.”

 

“Why aren’t you breathless now then?”

 

“Because I brought the cordless phone into the bathroom with me,” Luke explains, closing his eyes and enjoying the warm water lapping over him.

 

“You’re in the bath?”

 

“Mmm yes.”

 

“Right now?” Craig asks, his voice a little husky.

 

“’Fraid so.”

 

“Er… is this a bad time?”

 

“Only if you have a videophone,” Luke giggles.

 

“Darn, I knew I’d forgotten something.”

 

“Did you have a nice weekend away?” Luke asks tentatively.

 

“Yeah, went to see the parents.”

 

“How was it?”

 

“Fun, you know.”

 

“Not weird?” Luke checks.

 

“Why would it be weird?”

 

Luke lifts his left hand out of the water and looks at his neat fingers.

 

“Because of the no memory thing.”

 

“Oh, heh, my mum didn’t like Carl apparently.”

 

“No?” Luke asks, brightening.

 

“No, she said he always sounded as if he needed to blow his nose.”

 

“Can’t say I ever noticed that myself,” Luke admits.

 

“Did you have a good weekend?”

 

“Yeah, it was okay. Went to my mum’s for tea.”

 

“She’s okay, is she? You’re out at home you said?” Craig checks.

 

“Yeah,” Luke says heavily. “She’s forgiven me for being a two-faced, lying weasel I think.”

 

“Geez.”

 

“She wasn’t very happy that I hadn’t talked to her about… things, but kept lying to her,” Luke explains.

 

“Sounds like it!”

 

“She’s great, honestly,” Luke says quickly. “But she worries.”

 

“About what?”

 

“She’s worried that the age difference between you and me is too much, that I might catch something, that my taste in men is awful, and that you’re the man I cheated on Kerry with.” Luke wriggles his toes in the water.

 

“That’s a lot of worry,” Craig says finally.

 

“She’s my mum, you know? I haven’t been out very long, and I’m still pretty raw about it all.”

 

“I can answer two of her worries anyway,” Craig says, pulling a tub of natural yoghurt out of the fridge.

 

“Oh?”

 

“I’m not the man you cheated on Kerry with, not really. I’d never do that.”

 

“I tried to explain that to her,” Luke says quickly. “And it was Kerry that told her about that, in spite. I try to be honest, but there’s some things that people just don’t need to know.”

 

“I couldn’t agree more.”

 

“What’s the other thing?” Luke asks tentatively.

 

“Hmm? Oh, I’m very careful. I always use protection, and I don’t take risks.”

 

Luke licks his lips.

 

“You’ve gone quiet,” Craig remarks.

 

“I don’t want to offend you.”

 

“The honeymoon period is over-rated,” Craig remarks. “Go on, offend me.”

 

Luke giggles, and tries to compose his thoughts.

 

“You say that you don’t take risks?”

 

“I did.”

 

“But you also said that you sometimes enjoy meaningless flings, I don’t see how that tallies up,” Luke says apologetically.

 

“Oh I see.” Craig puts the phone securely between his ear and shoulder as he opens his yoghurt. “There’s a difference between ‘meaningless’ and ‘anonymous’. I’d never go all the way with a man that I didn’t know. But sometimes you meet someone in a bar or a club, and they’re amenable to some fun. I’ve had fuck buddies before now from time to time, friends that I know well, and that’s great too. I’m always careful though. Have I shocked you?”

 

“A bit,” Luke says honestly.

 

“I’m talking about between boyfriends,” Craig clarifies.

 

“So, you wouldn’t expect me to cope with you finding ‘fun’ somewhere else?”

 

“Good grief, no!”

 

“Oh, good. I’m not really suited for open relationships,” Luke says sheepishly.

 

“Me neither, but you know a man has an itch…” Craig muses, eating his yoghurt.

 

“So… um… what if you’re not exactly seeing someone? What’s the rule?”

 

“You mean our situation?”

 

“No, yes, I… I don’t know!” Luke splashes the water angrily.

 

“No, I agreed to give it a go with you, and see how it went. I don’t date more than one man at a time.”

 

“Are we dating now?” Luke asks softly.

 

“We’ve been out; we talk on the phone for ridiculous amounts of time. I think that counts, yes. That okay?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, that’s great.”

 

***

 

The following week, in a secluded office, Craig visits the doctor provided by the parasite hunting agents.

 

Craig’s brow wrinkles, and he looks at the offending bottle.

 

“I do what with it?”

 

“Squirt it.”

 

“Up my  _nose_?”

 

“It’s a nasal spray, Craig,” Christopher says wryly. “That’s the delivery system. It’s perfectly safe.”

 

Craig purses his lips, and gives the spray a shake.

 

“I’m not sure I’m comfortable with drugs,” Craig admits.

 

“Piracetam has been proved to recover memory in cases like yours. Certainly it’s a lot more scientifically reliable than hypnotherapy…”

 

“I’m  _not_  being hypnotised!” Craig says sharply. “If I want to wake up thinking I’ve been abducted by creatures from another planet, then I’ll sleep at a rave party.”

 

“For your information, Craig, alien abductions are passé. No self respecting quack would dream of giving you a false memory like that,” Christopher says archly. “Reincarnation memories are much more  _now_. Do you fancy being Elizabeth the first? Or Cleopatra perhaps?”

 

Craig snorts, and shakes his head.

 

“What’s the chances of this working?”

 

“Fairly good that you’ll recover some of your memories. Memories with strong emotional overtones are more likely to be recovered.”

 

“So I take this, and I’ll remember being beaten up? Great,” Craig says sourly.

 

“It’s possible, but I wouldn’t count on it. You know that I’m employed by the people who are chasing this creature, so I have a vested interest in helping you recover your memories. Bottom line though, is that this is your call, Craig. Do you want to know, or don’t you?”

 

***

 

“Hello?” Luke yawns down the telephone.

 

“Only been dating a little while, and already bored of me,” Craig teases.

 

“I need caller ID,” Luke says sleepily, rolling onto his front.

 

“Are you busy?”

 

“Nah, just lying on the bed watching ‘The Twilight Zone’, and trimming my nails.”

 

“Trimming your nails?” Craig repeats.

 

“Yes, I like to be well groomed,” Luke retorts. “Not that a man who bites his nails can probably understand that.”

 

“You’re relaxing with me,” Craig says, pleased.

 

“Huh?”

 

“This time last week you wouldn’t have said something like that.”

 

“Well this time last week I hadn’t spoken to you on the phone almost every night,” Luke observes.

 

“True. So, which episode of ‘The Twilight Zone’ are you watching?”

 

“It’s about a housing estate where all the power and phones are down. The people are getting themselves all worked up and hysterical.” Luke tucks an arm under his head.

 

“I know that one. They think it’s monsters?”

 

“Yuh-huh. Do you like sci-fi?”

 

“Depends, not keen on silly stuff.” Craig wanders into the lounge and lies on the sofa.

 

“So… what? You like the hard science stuff, or the allegorical stuff?”

 

“Allegories are good.”

 

“Did you ever see ‘V’?” Luke asks.

 

“Yeah, aren’t you a bit young to have seen that?”

 

“They have these shiny things called DVDs now,” Luke teases.

 

“Ah, of course. Well I liked the first series. It got a bit too obvious and over the top for me after that.” Craig kicks off his trainers, and lets them drop noisily onto the floor.

 

“What was that?”

 

“The burglar. I keep telling him to keep the noise down, but you know what these criminals are like.”

 

“Should I be jealous there’s another man there?” Luke wonders.

 

“Only if you’re cheating on me with my TV and video,” Craig retorts.

 

“Video? It’s the twenty-first century!”

 

“Nerd,” Craig says affectionately. 

 

“Luddite.”

 

“Are you busy tomorrow? How are the short shifts working?”

 

“Okay, actually. No-one in Mornington Crescent knows me, and they have enough weird goings on of their own.”

 

“Like what?” Craig asks curiously.

 

“Just weird stuff. There’s two really ancient detectives, and they seem to get mixed up in every bizarre thing going. It’s like the X-files for geriatrics!”

 

“Sounds fascinating!”

 

“So, anyway, I’m doing a half day shift. I finish at two, why?”

 

“Thought you might like to come around tomorrow evening and I’ll make you dinner,” Craig says as casually as he can.

 

“You’re going to cook me dinner?” Luke asks, pleased.

“I did think about cooking you  _for_  dinner, but I don’t have a big enough pan.”

 

“Uh-huh, but you have a recipe for human beings?” Luke teases.

 

“The Internet is a mine of information,” Craig says gravely.

 

“Urgh!”

 

“Would lamb be okay?” Craig asks.

 

“Love lamb,” Luke says wistfully. “Can’t cook it to save my life.”

 

“No?”

 

“No, can’t cook much really. I can grill things, but that’s about it.”

 

“Should’ve got Kerry to teach you.”

 

“Kerry!” Luke bursts out laughing. “She’s a  _much_  worse cook than me!”

 

“What did you live on if neither of you could cook?”

 

“Takeaways and grilled stuff. My sardines and grilled tomatoes on toast is pretty good.”

 

“Sounds revolting,” Craig says cheerfully. “What else can you cook?”

 

“Cheese on toast? Patè on toast? Bacon butties?”

 

“Mmm, love bacon butties,” Craig says happily. “So roast lamb then?”

 

“Sounds great.”

 

“What kind of potatoes?”

 

“Would roasted potatoes be okay?” Luke asks cautiously. “I don’t want to put you to any trouble.”

 

“Roasted is fine, I’m glad you didn’t say chips.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because that’d be it, I could never go out with a man who wanted chips with his roast lamb,” Craig says gravely.

 

“Are you a food nazi?” Luke giggles.

 

“Only about my roast lamb!”

 

“What should I bring? A bottle of something maybe?”

 

There is a long pause.

 

“Yeah, please. Bring a bottle.”

 

“Is everything okay?” Luke checks.

 

“Yeah, just thinking.”

 

***

 

“I was taking the mick out of you.”

 

Bizarre. He can feel it, sitting there, moving him around like a puppet. It’s angry, furious at the boy resisting yet again. But he… he’s ashamed and humiliated. Feels it as keenly as if it were aimed at him.

 

Craig can’t move, his chest feels crushed, and there is someone in the room with him.

 

***

 

“What?”

 

“Old hag dream,” Christopher repeats patiently. “It’s a medically documented event. When you’re in a dream state, your body becomes paralysed to stop you acting out your dreams. Sometimes it doesn’t work – which is where sleep walking comes from – and sometimes you can become semi-conscious before the paralysis wears off.”

 

“I was awake,” Craig insists.

 

“Trust me, you weren’t, not completely.” Christopher leans forward. “Human beings are designed to crave order and logic. Our brains don’t respond well to inexplicable events, so when faced with one, the brain tries to fill in the gaps. That’s how illusionists work; they make our brains think they’ve seen something they haven’t.”

 

“That’s hardly the same thing,” Craig protests.

 

“If you’ll let me finish? A semi-conscious paralysis causes a crushing sensation in the chest, a sense that there is someone or something else in the room, and of course an inability to move. Historically a lot of people have put those things together, and hallucinated that there was someone sitting on their chest. It‘s probably the origin about the legends of succubi sitting on young men’s chests sucking out their life force. The succubi would appear in the guise of an old hag. The more people heard the legends, the more they hallucinated it was a succubi sitting on them.”

 

“What’s that got to do with the other thing? Thinking I was two people at once.”

 

“You’ve not had a dream like that before?” Christopher checks.

 

“Not that I recall.”

 

“It’s been suggested that the reason the parasite is able to keep up the pretence of being a particular person, is because the original personality is still aware. It could be a recovered memory.”

 

“Wait, this  _thing_  was riding around in my mind, and I was fully aware, but couldn’t do anything about it?” Craig asks, horrified.

 

“It’s a theory, Craig, that’s all. At a guess, I’d say you weren’t fully aware. The conflict would be very distressing for both, and I’d expect you to be traumatised. An altered state of consciousness is more likely. You probably thought it was a dream.” 

 

“That’s terrible!”

 

“You say it was centred on Luke Ashton?”

 

Craig shifts in his seat.

 

“You’re involved with him?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Then it might simply be that you’re nervous, or not completely comfortable yet. Keep a notepad and a pen by the bed. If you have any more of these dreams, or if you remember anything new, write it down straight away.”

 

***

 

Luke arrives at Craig’s house on the dot of seven pm, as agreed. He checks himself in the car mirror for the fourth time, and then gets out of the car.

 

Craig forces himself not to open the door before Luke knocks. He doesn’t remember it being this stressful to avoid looking too keen.

 

Luke knocks politely, and Craig nearly rips the door off the hinges.

 

“Evening,” Craig says.

 

“Hi,” Luke replies, rather startled. “Did the door upset you?”

 

“Funny man,” Craig retorts.

 

Luke follows Craig into the lounge.

 

“Here’s the wine.”

 

“Thanks. How was work?”

 

“Okay, mostly everyday sort of stuff. I’m hoping to be approved to do full hours soon,” Luke wanders over to a Klimt print on the wall. “I’m fit and healthy, just waiting for the paper work.”

 

“I wish I was, I’m getting bored stiff at home.”

 

“Why are you at home? I would’ve thought doing familiar things would help you.”

 

“Nope; rest, drugs and psychobabble. That’s my prescription,” Craig remarks, carrying the wine into the kitchen.

 

“What, no hypnosis?” Luke asks, following him.

 

“Not if my life depended on it.”

 

“You have trust issues, don’t you?” Luke asks, amused.

 

“I have quack issues.”

 

“I don’t think real medical hypnotists would make you pretend to be a duck,” Luke says sweetly.

 

Craig stares at him, and then shakes his head.

 

“You know what I mean. They’d hypnotise me, and the next thing you know, I’d wake up believing my granddad was a space mutant.”

 

“And with a suggestion that makes you hop on one leg whenever someone says ‘soup’,” Luke suggests.

 

“I don’t think you’re taking this seriously,” Craig alleges. “Pass me the corkscrew please; it’s hanging up on the little hook.”

 

“I’m supposed to take it seriously? How?”

 

“Have  _you_  been hypnotised?”

 

“No, but I don’t refer to therapy as ‘psychobabble’ either,” Luke points out. “For a gay man, you’re not very open to new things.”

 

The cork comes out of the bottle smoothly.

 

“I told you, I’m not comfortable with that sort of thing.” Craig looks away as he fills two glasses.

 

“How’s it going anyway, the psychobabble?”

 

“I’m either starting to remember things, or I’m having really weird dreams, and need to knock off the cheese before bed time,” Craig says sourly.

 

“Like what?”

 

Craig hands Luke a glass of wine.

 

“I can see you, looking at me as if you hate me. What was it you said?” Craig rubs his face. “’I was taking the mick out of you’. That was it.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“What?” Craig asks. “Is that right?”

 

“Yeah, I mean, it’s  _true_.” Luke squeezes his eyes shut. “You wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

 

“I was harassing you,” Craig says flatly.

 

“I was scared and… I got angry because you wouldn’t listen.” Luke looks up at Craig. “I blamed you for how I felt. I’d told you over and over that I wasn’t interested. I got angry, and I lashed out. I told you that I was taking the mick when I kissed you. I told you that you had a crush on me, and that you were always looking at me like a sick puppy.”

 

“Was I?”

 

“Well…”

 

“Simple question, Luke, yes or no?” Craig demands.

 

“Yes,” Luke says quietly. “I should’ve never talked to you that way. I’m so sorry.”

 

“You talk to me like that again, and that’s it. You understand?” Craig asks, tipping Luke’s chin up. “I won’t be talked to like that. If you have feelings for me, then I expect you to treat me with respect. Can you do that?”

 

“Yes,” Luke says firmly.

 

“Good.” Craig kisses Luke softly on the lips. “Can you be a doll and set the table? What’s so funny?”

 

“Grumpy Gilmore called me doll!”

 

***

 

“Your roast potatoes are  _fantastic_ ,” Luke says genuinely.

 

“Thank you,” Craig says nicely.

 

“You’re welcome.”

 

“Why’ve you never learnt to cook?”

 

“Never had to. There’s a canteen at work, and in the Sudan you go get fed in the mess tent.”

 

“But you’re twenty five years old!” Craig says, shaking his head.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“What are you like around the house?”

 

Luke gives a cute, curious little smile that makes Craig’s mouth go dry.

 

“Why? Are you in the market for a housekeeper?”

 

“Cheeky sod.”

 

“I’m good actually. I drove Kerry and my mum round the bend.”

 

“Why?” Craig asks cautiously.

 

“I hate it when things are messy or dirty. My mum used to leave the dishes in the sink until morning, and I always wanted them done. Whereas Kerry…” Luke pauses, and tries to phrase his next comment carefully, “Kerry and I had differing approaches to household care and maintenance.”

 

“You mean she’s a messy so and so?”

 

“She had trouble with food sanitation.” Luke grimaces slightly. “She used to leave the milk on the counter all the time, even in high summer, and then wonder why the kitchen stank of sour milk.”

 

Craig silently matches Luke’s grimace.

 

“And she used to put joints of meat in the kitchen cupboards.”

 

“Why?” Craig asks slowly.

 

“Because she couldn’t get her head around the fact that frozen meat is only preserved whilst it’s frozen. Once it’s defrosted, it attracts flies and it goes off. She’d stick half eaten chickens in the cupboard with the plates.” Luke spears a piece of lamb with his fork. “Words were exchanged.”

 

“I bet.”

 

“So, what I lack in cooking, I make up in cleanliness and tidiness,” Luke says proudly.   

 

“I could teach you to cook,” Craig offers.

 

“I could buy you a meal if that’s what you’re thinking.”

 

“I’m thinking if things get serious, I don’t want to be doing the cooking all the time!”

 

“Do you think they might?” Luke asks shyly. “Get serious, I mean.”

 

“You know I like you. Do you still like me now I’m not easy going and afraid of confrontation?”

 

“I’m on to you,” Luke says simply.

 

“What?” Craig asks, almost choking on a carrot.

 

“I know why you do that,” Luke says calmly. “When you say something that might be touching or meaningful, you put that little stinger at the end. A little nasty, or upsetting comment, so you can wriggle out of any uncomfortable intimacy.”

 

“I get plenty intimate, thank you very much,” Craig retorts.

 

“You know full well I don’t mean sex,” Luke says mildly. “Do you miss Sean?”

 

“A bit, sometimes. Why?”

 

“I can’t imagine that you were always this hung up about intimacy. You’d have never managed a live-in boyfriend for one thing. Do you think I’m a rebound guy, is that it?”

 

“No, I don’t feel like that at all,” Craig says genuinely. “I guess, I’m hurt. That’s so pathetic.”

 

“Your boyfriend left. Why’s that pathetic?”

 

“It wasn’t… you know, a once and forever true love kind of thing. But I cared about him, and I thought he cared about me. It’s not that we split up,” Craig says carefully. “It’s that I know he’s been told I was in the hospital, and about the tumour, and nothing. Even that lad Carl sent me a nice little card!”

 

“That was nice of him,” Luke says, surprised.

 

“Yeah. I guess that’s why. I’m sorry; I know you’re not Sean.”

 

“Don’t worry; you’ve plenty of good reasons to mistrust me. You just don’t know them yet.”

 

“I’d probably trust you a tiny bit more if you finally tell me if you still like me,” Craig says with a small smile.

 

“Yes, I like you! I like you a lot, although some things that you do drive me up the wall.”

 

“I bet.”

 

“I respect you. It was… difficult sometimes to respect you, before. Because you let me behave horribly, and you didn’t rein me in.” Luke scans Craig’s face. “I had issues with authority that I’ve been working on with my therapist.”

 

“Because of your dad?”

 

“Yeah, but I’m a grown-up, and I have to take responsibility for my own choices.” Luke shrugs. “I like you better now I’ve got to know you more. I don’t think I really knew you before, not as a person. Do you think you can be in love with someone if you don’t really know them?”

 

“No,” Craig says quietly. “I think you have an intense attachment. If you don’t really know them though…”

 

“It’s not really love,” Luke finishes. “That’s what I thought. I think I know you pretty well now.”

 

“I like you, as a person. But it doesn’t gel.”

 

“What?” Luke asks anxiously.

 

“The way you behaved before, and the way you behave now. You, Inspector Gold, and Kerry all say the same things about how you behaved, but I don’t see it.” Craig pushes his fork through his gravy.

 

“I was scared and confused. I did a lot of things that I’m very ashamed of,” Luke says simply.

 

“But you’re not scared anymore?”

 

“Not like that.”

 

“I think you’re very strong,” Craig says quietly. “The fact that you’re here, telling me how you behaved, knowing I might remember. That takes guts.”

 

“Don’t,” Luke says quietly.

 

“What?”

 

“Don’t be nice to me about it. You’ll just take it even worse when you do remember.”

 

***

 

“Come here,” Craig suggests, patting the couch. “Let’s watch a film.”

 

“Okay,” Luke says, slightly suspicious. “What’re we going to watch?”

 

“Dunno, lets try the movie channels.”

 

Craig lies down on the couch and turns on the television, putting the remotes next to him.

 

“And where am I supposed to sit?” Luke demands, mock exasperated.

 

“Lie down here with me,” Craig suggests with a wink.

 

Luke lies down with his back resting against Craig’s chest.

 

“This is nice,” Luke says mildly. “What films are on?”

 

“Let’s have a look. Okay, where are the remotes?”

 

“I don’t know, they were on the couch.”

 

Craig runs a hand along the seat cushions.

 

“Not there,” he says, his breath hot against Luke’s face. He pushes himself up a little, and runs a hand under himself. “Not there.”

 

“No?” Luke asks weakly. Craig smiles at him, and shakes his head.

 

“No.” Craig runs his hand along Luke’s legs, reaching down between his thighs as Luke licks his lips. “Ah,” Craig murmurs, his lips against Luke’s cheek. “I have something.”

 

“Do you?” Luke squeaks.

 

“Something hard,” Craig murmurs, pulling slightly. Luke flushes as he lifts his legs. “Ah, here we are.”

 

Craig pulls out the two remote controls and winks at Luke. Then he sits back, and turns on the film guide.

 

Luke half turns and raises an eyebrow.

 

“You did that on purpose.”

 

“Me?” Craig asks innocently.

 

“Yes, you. Don’t think I’m so innocent I can’t recognise a cheap grope when I feel it,” Luke chides.

 

“What is it you object to, the grope or the cheapness?”

 

“The cheapness of course, and if you want to grope me, then you need more than the film listing to get me in the mood.”

 

“Whoops.” Craig flicks through the list quickly. “Okay, ah, how about ‘Get Real’?

 

“Sounds good to me.”

 

***

 

“I better get a taxi,” Luke says ruefully. “It’s late, and I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine.”

 

“I have a spare room,” Craig offers.

 

“Do I look like the ditzy heroine in a horror movie?” Luke laughs. “Next you’ll be telling me the car’s run out of petrol.”

 

“The old lines are the best,” Craig agrees. “Okay, I’ll ring the taxi.”

 

“I’ll watch,” Luke says sweetly.

 

“Don’t you trust me?”

 

“Not when you’re tiddly and horny, no,” Luke says, winking.

 

“Spoilsport.”

 

***

 

_The boy’s terrified. Craig can feel a shift in the balance of things. The parasite doesn’t know what to do, so it allows Craig a sliver of control. It watches carefully as Craig wraps his arms around the shaking boy, and murmurs in his ear that everything will be all right._

_Those wide adoring eyes: heavy with wanting, and gratitude during the night; snapping, cold, and black in the daylight. Poisoned words dripping like honey: ‘I don’t remember’, ‘I was drunk’, ‘I’m going to marry the woman I love’._

_Rage at the prey wriggling away. From underneath, where Craig exists but barely aware, wounded sympathy for the stupid, silly boy; and for the naïve, hopeful wife._

_The image of Kerry twists and turns in his mind, morphing into another pouting blonde woman. Healthy, robust, weak-willed, and so very stupid: he can see her writhing about on a bed._

_Pain, lying in a hospital bed and being made to lie. Craig screaming and shouting not to prolong the boy’s pain, but to leave him be, accept the lie. Knowing that when he’s ready he’ll tell her. It’ll be messy and painful, but it’ll be better than forcing him out._

_The parasite, weakened by the attack and Craig’s resurgence, surrendering._

_Luke glancing back hopelessly as he leaves the room, a silent apology that can never be enough._

 

Craig wakes drenched in sweat.

 

***

 

Gina arrives at the café in a whirlwind of perfume and cigarette smoke.

 

“I’m glad you’ve come to your senses,” she announces smugly, sitting opposite Craig.

 

“This isn’t kiss and make up,” Craig says, wincing at the unfortunate imagery. “I need you to fill in some gaps in my memory.”

 

“I thought we weren’t supposed to do that,” Gina says shrewdly. “Aren’t you supposed to remember by yourself?”

 

“If you call squirting some cerebral enhancer up my nose ‘doing it by myself’. I’m remembering things, but they’re in a big jumble. I need some help sorting them out.”

 

“What kind of things?” Gina grabs a waiter as he passes. “Oi, ashtray!”

 

“Smoking is  _not_  permitted!”

 

Gina gives him her very best glare, but he merely raises an eyebrow.

 

“Fine!” Gina thrusts her cigarette at him. “You sort it out since I can’t even stub it out! And get us two coffees.”

 

The waiter takes the offending cigarette as if he has been handed a dead rat, and stalks away.

 

“Have you quite finished?” Craig asks.

 

“Yes, yes. Give me something to work on then.”

 

Craig licks his lips.

 

“There’s a hotel room, and there’s Luke and I. For some reason you’re there, you’ve a face like a slapped bum, and you’re yelling,” Craig pauses, “More than you seem to normally, I mean.”

 

“Are you taking the piss?” Gina asks coldly.

 

“Luke told me that he and I had spent his stag night together, but he didn’t say anything about a hotel, and he didn’t say anything about  _you_.”

 

Gina leans back in her chair.

 

“He didn’t?”

 

“No, not a word.”

 

“Oh, I seem to have misjudged young Ashton,” Gina says, examining her nails. “I would’ve bet my last cigarette that he’d have painted me the villain of the piece.”

 

“Do you want to put that into comprehensible English for me? Randomly vague muttering isn’t my first language,” Craig retorts.

 

“Not getting any? Always makes you short tempered that does.”

 

Craig starts to stand up.

 

“Alright! Don’t storm off in a girly sulk.” Gina looks up as the waiter carefully places two cups of coffee on the table.

 

“Thank you,” Craig says politely. The waiter nods his thanks and walks off. “Well?” Craig prompts.

 

“I caught you and Ashton in bed. It was the morning of the wedding. I went ballistic, you accused me of homophobia,” Gina sneers at the word, “And Ashton begged me not to tell Kerry.”

 

“How would Luke make you the villain from that?” Craig asks suspiciously.

 

“I’m not proud of how I reacted,” Gina allows. “Looking back Ashton was clearly struggling to come to terms, and my reaction probably confirmed his worst fears. That people would be disgusted by him.”

 

“Were you disgusted by it?” Craig asks coldly.

 

“He was about to get married! And you,  _you_  were their Sergeant, and you’d been chasing him around for months. I was disgusted that he’d cheated on his fiancée, and I was disgusted that you’d slept with him knowing he was with Kerry. I respected you, Craig, and I sympathised with how you felt about Luke, but what you did was damn wrong.”

 

“If you’d walked into the room and found him in bed with a different sergeant, June or Debbie, would you’ve felt the same way? Would you’ve told Kerry?”

 

“No,” Gina says quietly. “To both. He was getting married; you couldn’t give him that, or kids.”

 

_Gina sitting on a barstool explaining she can’t have kids._

 

“Fuck you and your obsession that everyone wants to get married and have kids!” Craig says sharply, startling them both.

 

“What you did was wrong,” Gina grates out. “I stand by it.”

 

“And what you did made a bad situation a thousand times worse. What he needed was someone to tell him to postpone the wedding until he’d sorted his head out.”

 

“Well it wasn’t my job!”

 

Craig shakes his head, and then takes a sip of coffee.

 

“What about in the hospital?”

 

“What?”

 

“I remember lying in a hospital bed, in a lot of pain; with you, Luke, and Kerry standing around. You’re telling Kerry that I made a pass at Luke while I was drunk.”

 

“Oh.” Gina sighs quietly. “That was a mistake.”

 

“Well?”

 

“You’re sure Luke hasn’t told you this one?”

 

“I haven’t seen him today, and he has a tendency to miss out things, like your role,” Craig says coolly.

 

“That baby was not to blame for having parents who’d got themselves into such a mess.”

 

“Baby?” Craig asks, bile in his throat.

 

“You were obviously trying to get Luke to decide to be gay…”

 

“You don’t  _decide_! It’s not like buying new shoes you know!” Craig snarls.

 

Gina stares at him.

 

“You haven’t got a  _clue_  what it’s like coming out, so do us both a favour and stop being so judgmental.”

 

“Alright,” Gina says quietly, chastened. “I’m sorry. You were trying to… help Luke come to terms. Then Kerry realised she was pregnant. Quite how she could be sure it was Luke’s I don’t know, she’d been with half the station even then. Luke wanted to do the right thing by her. You backed off, I thought. Then, something happened, I don’t know what, and him being gay was back on the agenda. You were beaten up, you decided you couldn’t cope with the mess anymore, and you wanted a transfer. Kerry saw you and Luke holding hands, and she wanted to know if Luke was gay.”

 

“Why didn’t someone just tell her the truth?” Craig asks. “She’d have found out sooner or later.”

 

“She was having a baby!”

 

“It’s not a magic charm! Having a baby isn’t going to save a marriage.”

 

“No.” Gina gulps down a mouthful of coffee. “I told Kerry some cock-and-bull about you having a thing for Luke, and him turning you down. You and Luke backed it up. They waltzed off, and you said you never wanted to see me again.”

 

_Pain, fear, and desperation in Luke’s eyes as he left._

 

“Good,” Craig says, more harshly then intended. “It was a horrible thing you did.”

 

“If I could undo it then I would. Of course it all came out in the end. Now  _that_  was horrible, although I can’t say Luke didn’t deserve to be humiliated, I don’t agree with outing people. And at a wedding!”

 

“Who outed him?”

 

“Kerry of course. She heard him tell someone that they’d split up because of stress after she lost the baby. She was drunk, so she climbed onto the podium and outed him,” Gina says distastefully.

 

Craig rubs his forehead.

 

“I don’t understand, they seem friendly.”

 

“So I believe.”

 

“And they lost the baby?” Craig asks.

 

“Yeah.”

 

***

 

“Guess what!” Luke crows down the telephone.

 

“What?” Craig asks.

 

“My decree absolute came through! I’m officially a free man!”

 

“Congratulations.”

 

“What’s wrong?” Luke asks solicitously. “I didn’t wake you up, did I?”

 

“Hardly, I’ve just come back from lunch with Gina Gold.”

 

There is a long pause.

 

“Oh. Did you have fun?”

 

“Not really, I can’t stand the woman.”

 

“Then why go to lunch with her?” Luke asks logically.

 

“Because the drugs are really kicking in, and I wanted to talk to someone about the jumbled memories.”

 

“You could talk to me,” Luke suggests, a little hurt.

 

“I will, but they involved her as well,” Craig explains.

 

“I see.”

 

“I um, I’m very sorry about your baby. You never told me.”

 

“I don’t like talking about it,” Luke says simply.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“It’s okay. So, uh, do you fancy going out tonight? Or has the Wicked Witch put you off me?”

 

“I’d love to go out and celebrate your freedom.”

 

***

 

“So, they were bad memories?” Luke prompts gently, as they sit eating the complimentary bread and waiting for their orders.

 

“Yeah, I think so. Although it’s different dreaming them and remembering the dream afterwards.”

 

“Like what?” Luke rubs the back of Craig’s hand with his fingers.

 

“One was when we were in the hospital room, and Gold made us lie that I’d come onto you. I can remember how I felt when you walked out the door, but I feel differently now,” Craig explains.

 

“I wish I did.”

 

“You regret it?”

 

“Yes! Of course I do!” Luke says hotly. “I should’ve never lied, and I should’ve never walked out and left you.”

 

“But if you hadn’t,” Craig says, leaning forward, “We might not be in this position.”

 

“I don’t understand.”

 

“Well… things have changed,” Craig says carefully. “I’ve changed, and you’ve changed. We’re much closer then we were then, and we’ve a much better chance of lasting.”

 

“I know what you’re saying,” Luke says slowly. “And if I’d made a decision to stay with Kerry because I thought it was the right thing to do, then I might agree. I didn’t though; I left you there because I was a coward. I wish… I wish you’d get angry with me about that! I did a terrible thing, Craig.”

 

“You made a mistake. You feel bad about it.” Craig cups Luke’s face in his hands. “It happens. I’m the injured party here, yes?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Well I forgive you, so you better damn well forgive you too. Clear?”

 

“Aye, aye, Captain,” Luke says softly.

 

***

 

“Oh not champagne, it makes me very giggly and silly,” Luke protests.

 

“Okay, that’s two reasons we  _should_  get champagne,” Craig teases.

 

“Just a glass of white wine please,” Luke asks the waiter sweetly.

 

“Meanie,” Craig says, pretending to pout. “I’ll have a glass of white too please.”

 

“Do you think we should book the taxis now?” Luke asks, checking his watch. “We might struggle later on.”

 

“We could, or we could book one taxi back to my place.” Craig strokes Luke’s fingers.

 

“Are you trying to entice me into your spare bedroom again?” Luke asks nervously.

 

“No.” Craig leans across the table and kisses Luke lingeringly. “Not the spare bedroom.”

 

“Are you sure about this?” Luke asks softly.

 

“Yes.”

 

“I… I have to tell you something,” Luke says haltingly.

 

“You’re really a woman?” Craig says with a grin.

 

“No,” Luke says, laughing nervously. “When we… after my stag night, I walked away from you. Even after you told me that you loved me. Even at the reception when you tried to reach me, I was really cold to you. I know you don’t want to hear this, but I owe you the truth.”

 

“Luke, I know this stuff,” Craig says gently. “I also know that Gina Gold was there in the hotel room, treating us like we’d been caught eating babies.”

 

Luke smiles wryly.

 

“She’s not a shades of grey kind of person.”

 

“What I said before stands. I forgive you.” 

 

“I don’t deserve it.”

 

Craig leans forward, resting his forehead against Luke’s.

 

“Stop whining, you big baby, and take your forgiveness like a man,” he says warmly.

 

***

 

“Never been in here before,” Luke says quietly, looking around Craig’s bedroom.

 

“Saved the best until last,” Craig explains. He stands behind Luke, and slips his arms around his waist.

 

Luke leans back against Craig. He closes his eyes, sighing as Craig nuzzles his ear and the side of his face.

 

“If this is a dream then I don’t want to wake up,” Luke says quietly.

 

“My dreams aren’t this good.” Craig slowly unbuttons Luke’s shirt.

 

“Want me to lie down?” Luke suggests, looking up at Craig and smiling. “Then you can unwrap me properly.”

 

“You’d let me do that?”

 

“I trust you,” Luke says with a wink. He pulls free, and sits on the edge of the bed. “Can’t lie down, wearing shoes,” he says pouting, and fluttering his eyelashes.

 

“Quite the little tease, aren’t you?” Craig kneels on the floor and eases off Luke’s shoes.

 

Luke stretches out luxuriously.

 

“Socks are the least attractive piece of clothing, ever.”

 

“I beg to differ,” Craig says, slowly removing Luke’s socks. “Thermal underwear surely.”

 

Luke wriggles up the bed and lies flat. Craig climbs on top of him.

 

“My goodness, Sergeant Gilmore,” Luke says huskily, “You take close supervision seriously.”      

 

“If a job is worth doing then it’s worth doing well,” Craig agrees, unzipping Luke’s trousers and tugging them down.

 

Luke lifts his hips as Craig slides down the bed, pulling Luke’s trousers off completely and throwing them to one side. He crawls back up the bed, stroking a hand up Luke’s leg until it glides to a halt between Luke’s thighs.

 

Luke crosses his legs, trapping Craig’s hand. Craig grins and leans in for a kiss. Luke slips a hand behind Craig’s head; fingers splayed out in Craig’s hair, and holds him close.

 

“Love the way you kiss,” Craig pants into Luke’s mouth.

 

“Yeah?” Luke moves his mouth, sucking Craig’s lower lip.

 

“Oh yeah.” Craig begins to push the shirt off Luke’s shoulders.

 

Luke helpfully shrugs out of his shirt.

 

“Are you staying fully dressed?” Luke reaches down and pressed his palm against Craig’s groin.

 

“You going to help me out?”

 

“Love too.”

 

Luke slowly pops the buttons and tugs down Craig’s jeans. Craig wriggles out of his jeans and throws them over the side of the bed.

 

“Feel  _this_ ,” Luke whispers hoarsely, pulling Craig’s hands under his buttocks.

 

Craig slips his fingers under the fabric and caresses the taut, firm skin.

 

“Mmm.” Craig bucks against Luke, grinding against him.

 

Luke reaches up and peels down Craig’s shorts. He throws them over the side. His own shorts soon follow.

 

“Let’s see you then.” Craig leans back on his heels and licks his lips.

 

“You don’t remember seeing me in the shower then,” Luke says, tucking his hand casually under his head.  

 

“No, it must’ve been fun.” Craig opens the bedside cabinet.

 

“I enjoyed it.” Luke raises his leg, and rubs it against Craig’s waist. “Is that where you keep your goodies?”

 

“How far are you comfortable going?”

 

“All the way.” Luke sits up and kisses Craig tenderly. “Whatever you want.”

 

***

 

Beep, beep, beep.

 

Craig pulls the pillow over his head. After a couple of seconds the alarm suddenly stops so Craig removes the pillow and looks around the room.

 

There are clothes strewn everywhere. The open bottle of lube has been knocked over and leaked down the side of the bedside cabinet.

 

Craig gets up, and pads downstairs.

 

***

 

Luke is standing on one leg, completely naked, flapping a wet dishcloth at the smoke alarm. Craig bursts out laughing, and the sound startles Luke so much he nearly falls off the chair.

 

“Argh!”

 

“Mad, you’re completely mad,” Craig chortles, and opens the windows to let the smoke out.

 

“Hey, I’m naked here,” Luke complains.

 

“You’re the one standing on a chair waving your cock about.” Craig gives Luke a light slap on the bottom.

 

“Pervert,” Luke purrs as he climbs down off the chair.

 

“Always.”

 

“What are you doing up anyway?” Luke asks, and suddenly the smile vanishes. “Did you think I’d run away again? Because I  _promise_  that’s never going to happen again!”

 

“No, dippy boy,” Craig says affectionately. “I’m awake because you set my kitchen on fire!”

 

“I told you that I couldn’t cook,” Luke says in a martyred voice. “But still I tried to make you a lovely cooked breakfast. You said that if we got serious then you didn’t want to be stuck doing all the cooking. Well I’m serious.” Luke sticks out his chin defiantly.

 

“Me too.” Craig pulls Luke into his arms.

 

“So, you’re not going to throw me back then?” Luke asks, kissing Craig on the lips.

 

“Nope, I think I’m gonna keep you.”

 

 

The End

 

 


End file.
